You shouldn't have

Christmas in a Manhattan apartment can be an exercise in not appearing ungrateful.

It seems hard for anyone who hasn’t shared a one-bedroom apartment with another adult to comprehend the constant vigilance it requires to keep from getting quickly overrun with stuff.

For example, as I was Christmas shopping for John, I came across a lovely coffee table book I figured my hubby would love. It came in a large hardcover or in a smaller paperback. True the hardcover was more expensive, but the real decision came down to space. I figured he’d like the contents either way and the paperback would take up less room.

Until you’ve stood in a bookstore actually evaluating the real estate a book will consume, you may not understand the challenge of Christmas here.

<>People who love us send us gifts. This is, of course, tradition and it comes from a place of love. We simply don’t have room for much more than we already have.

We already have framed art in storage with several of our friends because we lack the space to hang it. Any new item of clothing or pair of shoes means smashing the closet’s contents to make way. We had to cast off great amounts of kitchen gear before we moved, and anything new – even the skinny little mandolin that I now adore – demands standing with cupboard doors open and playing a little mental Tetris.

I have tried to explain to people things like, “if you send me amaryllis bulbs that need to be kept cool and dark for weeks to get them to flower, I have no basement or garage where I can do that.” But even saying it just feels wrong somehow. When someone does something nice for you, how dreadful to feel compelled to explain how they went wrong.

Most middle class Americans live in more square footage than ever before. While a generation ago, Mom, Dad and three kids might have lived in a 900-square-foot house, today the trend is toward ever bigger houses even as families shrink. If anything, many people our age might suffer from not having enough furniture to fill all that space.

From that perspective, it makes sense that it wouldn’t enter someone’s mind to consider “where will they put it?” when they ship us some goodie. Especially for people who haven’t visited and seen first hand that it’s literally the living room/dining room/kitchen, one bedroom and the bathroom. That’s it. No storage outside the apartment. There’s a bike in our bedroom, on the end that’s also John’s office. Our bed is on risers so we can pack our suitcases and extra bedding under it. John keeps blank canvases under the couch. Every square inch is pretty much accounted for.

My dad has historically been a slightly tone deaf gift giver. Shopping was my stepmom’s job when I was a kid, and as I unwrapped Christmas presents, Dad would say without a trace of self-consciousness “Hand that here so I can see what we got you.” After they divorced, he was a little slow to learn that gift giving involves paying attention to what the other person might want – and not just getting them something you think they should have.

When we bought our house, that made life easy on Dad. He could shop for gifts he understood – appliances, tools, stuff you get at Sears or ABC Warehouse – and he was very generous with us.

Moving to a New York rental created new challenges, but Dad rose to the occasion. He’s still figuring out this interweb thing, but I emailed him my amazon.com wish list, John’s wish list, and supplemented it with some restaurants we’d love to go to. Dad knows how much we love food, so he called a few of the restaurants to find out what an average meal goes for, then he sent us a check with specific instructions on which restaurants we’re to spend how much at.

It’s the perfect New Yorky gift. I just need to make sure I use my gym membership so I don’t find a place to keep it.

Third Christmas in the Big Apple

This year we celebrated our third Christmas in New York but this is the first time we've gotten a tree here. John gets credit for thinking maybe we could possibly fit a teeny little tree into our apartment.

So just as Sarah recently mentioned in an email, our tree came from one of a sidewalk Christmas tree vendor set up in front of Starbucks. John carried it the two-block walk home, and we decorated.















Our go-to gift this year was an herb wreath made by our favorite farmers market vendors, Stokes Farms. First I got one for Katie and Martin, then I got excited about the idea of supporting local farmers we really like, and the irony of being Manhattanites sending farm goods to friends in the Midwest. That's the beauty of New York's Greenmarkets -- it's easier to buy all manner of good things directly from farmers here than it was back in Michigan. Here's a picture of me with the cute kids from Stokes at the farmer's market that's literally across the street from our apartment building twice a week.

















It's sort of a New York cliche that all the Jews in the city go out for Chinese food on Christmas because the Chinese, like our Jewish neighbors, don't celebrate Christmas so they're open.

We sort of perpetuated the cliche by going to Chinatown for lunch on Christmas. Then we wandered through Tribeca, and up into the Village. If, like Lara, you don't have a mental picture of what's where on the island, here's a map to help you picture our long Christmas day walk.

























































My favorite part of the day was hanging out at Le Figaro, a restaurant/ bar on a busy corner in the Village. We scored an excellent little table out of the way and right up against the windows looking out on the corner, and a really friendly bartender tended to us while we just enjoyed an afternoon talking and soaking up our city.




























Ghosts of Christmas past

If you're counting on your fingers and trying to figure out how it's possible that we'd already be on our third Christmas here when I only got my job in May 2006, it's because we sublet on the Upper East Side in December 2005 -- is it weird blog etiquette to link to myself and point out my Christmas posting on Dec. 27, 2005?

In retrospect, it was a pretty amazing gift Nancy and Laura gave me to be able to do that. They let me take an unpaid leave from the News Service so John and I could test drive the city -- in effect, they let me try out quitting. It's not like they were investing in me because they figured I'd be a happy employee for years to come.

John quit the radio station and became a full-time freelancer in preparation for our month in the city. I depleted my vacation time, then took unpaid time off to network and schmooze as my full-time job. I also did a freelance gig for the Ann Arbor Observer, so I brought in a little cash.

I'd like to think that one day when and if I'm a boss again, I'd be as generous as my bosses were. John and I were really growing impatient with how long the job search was taking and he suggested the pretty radical step of just up and moving to New York. This is a crazy expensive city and I was too nervous to take that leap without knowing where our stupidly-high rent check would come from. Because the News Service was willing to give me the flexibility to disappear for several weeks, we struck a compromise. I infused new energy into my job search and we made sure this was what we really wanted to do, but I still had health insurance and a job to go back to, and we didn't have to pay our own moving costs.

It was one of the best Christmas gifts I'll probably ever get.

back on the real estate hunt

Remember those stories a scant year and a half ago of visiting dozens of overpriced, run-down apartments and begging 2 Lincoln to please please please let us sign a lease?

We're going back into the real estate market. Though thankfully this time around we've got much longer to look and we know the city better.

We got a letter this week detailing our apartment building's plans for renovation, including working on ours by next summer. The building has been making improvements, then boosting rent, so this didn't come as a total surprise. But it's our confirmation that we need to find a place to live when our lease is up in June.

We're really hoping the who-you-know ways of New York help us find the perfect place. We've asked dozens of friends to keep their ears open for us -- if someone hears of a friend who needs a subleasor because she's getting married or getting transferred, or has a landlord friend who needs to find a responsible professional couple to fill a vacancy, we want to know.

I'm a big believer in the power of personal connections and referrals, so we're turning to our friends to help nudge us in the right direction.

We are looking for a quiet place in a good neighborhood in Manhattan -- we have several favorites, including the stretch from the Flatiron through Union Square to the Village, most of the Upper West Side, Tribeca, the east 50s ... we are pretty open if it's a vibrant, safe area with an easy commute for me to the Penn Station area.

We have a detailed wish list for our apartment but I'd rather hear about places that don't quite work than have our eyes and ears self-censor themselves from passing along the perfect place.

Finding our current place was excruciating work, even with the help of a broker who busted his behind to help us. (Shout out to Brett)
People routinely lie in real estate listings, we got stood up and shut out of several walk-thrus, and the good places got snapped up before we ever had a chance. Since we have a few months' notice and we're more settled in with good friends who know the city, we're looking forward to a much easier search this time. And no offense to friends who make their living in real estate, but maybe our long lead time can help us avoid paying a broker fee?

The perfect apartment in New York would be the perfect gift.

Be our guest

One of the nice things about living in a city so many people want to visit is that we get the occasion to see friends fairly frequently.

Our Ann Arbor travel buddies Bob and Kathleen stayed with us for a night before doing Thanksgiving with his family.
John's old friend Tanya, who he first met in Chicago then palled around with in San Francisco, stayed with us for a few days recently when she was in town for business.
Barry was planning to see us for dinner when freelancing brought him to Long Island, but sadly, the weather conspired to keep him trapped on an airplane elsewhere and that fell through. This time.

And that's just in the last few weeks.

Tanya and my writer pal Lara have really got it going on as guests. John has described Tanya as the Martha Stewart of hippies, she being host to something like 60 people on Thanksgiving and organizing countless other soirees, and Lara's just a really generous chick.

With no guest room, consideration really makes the difference when we're putting up friends. And with the holidays coming, a time when lots of people bunk up with friends and family, I thought I'd share some pointers from the best of our guests:
-- Give plenty of warning, and don't skimp on the details -- Saying "I'll be there some weekend in December" doesn't help if your hosts are trying to plan other social events around you. Barry emailed repeatedly with possible dates, checking them with us before locking down flights, and even gave us options about what times he could get a train into the city for dinner. Of course weather undid all of that, but it still made it easier to try to work our plans to get to see him.
-- Try to contain your mess -- staying with someone doesn't give you license to take over their home, and keeping your personal effects in order helps to minimize the imposition. Lara would spread out while she got ready in the morning, then tuck everything neatly away.
-- Tidy up after yourself -- this might be less of an issue in places with a guest room, but even then, it's just nice to treat your host's place at least as good as your own home, but most likely, a little better. Tanya crashed on the couch for a few nights, and every morning, she'd fold up her bedding into a tidy little pile and stash it behind the dining room table.
-- Say thanks -- even among friends, it's nice to acknowledge the hospitality of welcoming someone into your home. If you're saving $200 a night at a hotel, spend a fraction of that on dinner and/or a gift to show your appreciation. Bob treated to Starbucks on Thanksgiving morning, Tanya took us out for a great French dinner then left us a little gift and a note, Lara treated us to a Thai dinner that was fun and tasty. Maybe we're square, but even among friends and family, thank you isn't optional.

Packing up to stay with someone at holiday time? Here are some other good pointers:
http://windowseat.travelocity.com/2007/10/_speak_up_house_guest_horror_stories.html
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/etiquette/houseguest-etiquette-apr05
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-House-Guest

Or if you're Karl and you're sort of looking forward to being a pain in the ass guest, you could use these lists for some inspiration for how not to act.

Jim-Daddy time in the city

Here's a quick photo story on my dad's first visit to see us in New York. First, the high points -- chatting with some New York cops, and eating an insane amount of food at a Brazilian steakhouse. Dad's favorites were the ribs.














Here we're watching the Penn State game with Michigan alumni at Metro 53 in Manhattan.























And these are our most touristy moments -- dinner in Little Italy (where the cop in my dad came out, as he wanted to poke around John Gotti's old hangout) and seeing A Chorus Line (hard to believe, but this was Dad's idea).